THE LAST CALL FOR ALCOHOL - By Pastor Chuka

My brothers and sisters, great lions and lionesses, people of every tribe and religion, we are in trouble. Recently there was a vicious rumour circulating in our beloved school that the school administration has decided to take its relentless schemes on the student body a step further. It wasn’t enough that they banned all businesses operated by students in hostels (say goodbye to printing at five naira per page) or that now they propose that we PAY to check our results online; all these amount to child’s play compared to what we gathered recently. Our very very reliable sources tell us that right now as we are talking, there is a plot by this administration to ban the sale of alcohol in this amazing university of ours. I’m not a drinker, I swear. The only thing I drink is Orijin and I don’t even take more than three bottles in a day. So don’t think that i wrote this article because I’m a big drinker. Actually the reason I wrote this article is because I am a good Christian and good student who, unlike the school authorities, actually care for the welfare of the student population and so I will tell you why we should never lack a constant supply of alcohol.

JESUS APPROVES: You see all my life as a Christian, before I do anything, I ask myself an important question “Will Jesus approve?” And in this case the answer is a resounding Yes. What was the first miracle Jesus performed? He turned water into wine and he did so under the advice of his beloved mother the Holy Virgin Mary. What was the last thing Jesus did before he was betrayed? He ate and DRANK with his disciples. This ritual transformed into what we celebrate today as Holy Communion. You see I’m not rich enough to buy alcoholic wine, but I go to church every Sunday and the priests in all their kindness and benevolence give me some to drink. The important question here then is, if Jesus approves of something and the school disapproves, on whose side is the school administration? They’re definitely not on the Lord’s side.

DOCTORS APPROVE: Ask any responsible doctor and he will tell you that a little alcohol is good for the heart. Moderate quantities of alcohol can reduce depression or anxiety, eradicate tension and fatigue. So when you pay to see your result online, and they give you F in natural science, the best cure for your depression is a cold bottle of Orijin. Of course if you drink 10 bottles you’d end up with a damaged liver, in the hospital with the same doctor who told you that a little alcohol is good for the heart, shaking his head and telling you that too much of anything is bad. Everybody needs sugar, but take too much and you may develop diabetes. Maybe the school should also ban biscuits and sweets.

ELECTION TIME:  This is perhaps the most important reason why nobody should dare tamper with the alcohol supply in this school. Every serious politician knows that before you win an election, you must bottle men in Kirsh and Grillz or Tickles. Remember the last SUG elections? Innocent men like me would just sit in Kirsh and Grillz minding our own business and an SUG aspirant would just come and order drinks for everyone. Needless to say that come Election Day, I vote for the guy that gives me the most number of free drinks. The important question here is what would be the fate of SUG aspirants if there isn’t beer in Kirsh and Grillz? Would they now resort to buying us Fanta and Mirinda? God Forbid. We are cheap but not that cheap.

IT IS GOOD FOR BUSINESS: I don’t mean the kind of business that gives money; the school has already shut those down. I mean the important kind of business. When you’re about to go to Ibiam to meet that babe, and you know she’s prettier, smarter, richer and most importantly, taller than you; in other words, when you’re a gold digger, the best way to boost your morale and self confidence is to go and drink a bit. Not too much that you get drunk, but enough to get you high, so that you can shamelessly walk up to a girl whose father can buy everything you own and give it to his dog as a gift, and tell her that you like her. And maybe if she drinks enough alcohol she’d smile and fall hopelessly in love with you. And before you know it, you would get married in USA, spend your honeymoon in France give birth to your first child in UK and live in Spain, all because two people were drunk at the appropriate time.

Alcohol is good for the heart, approved by God, gets you elected into office and takes you places. In other words, it strengthens your physical, spiritual, political, economic and social well being; and yet your school wants to ban it. Na wa oo.