A Hand of Masturbators

You know the way they say “A host of angels”, and “A bunch of keys”? For masturbators, we say “A Hand of Masturbators”. Masturbation is the art and science of being very much in love with yourself and having a good rapport with your facilities (Drucker: 1990). There is an astonishing prevalence, in fact, an outbreak of this behavior among “guys in the friend zone”. This implies that saying that someone is in the friend-zone has many implications today, than was the case in the days of our fore-fathers. Our fore-fathers had 20 wives for crying out loud. These days, we can’t even get a girlfriend. Oh Yes! It’s such a pity.

The Big question is whether or not masturbation is proper? The first answer that comes to mind is that you own all the equities in your body and there are no shareholders. Agreed! But can we please now hear other views? Haba!

Pastor Chris and other anointed Men of God have said: Why are you wasting the precious hand God has given you, Masturbate! For the Kingdom of God is for those at “hand”. This is one side of the story, so relax. The majority of Christians on the other “hand” are saying that masturbation is a sin against the flesh. Now, you are totally confused, and understandably so. But while you are waiting for Pastor Chris and the other Christians to settle the misunderstanding, it seems you are joining other brothers all around the world in the Feast of Handover. You are on a long thing o.

How about going a bit scientific? Scientists, like their Christian brothers are deep in their own confusion. Some hold that masturbation takes away your “life force” (What the heck is that?). Others state that it is completely healthy and in fact should be encouraged. HIV awareness officials are busy sharing condoms and bleaching creams for people to wank. Some Monks are even saying that it is necessary in order to purify the being and “align yourself to the frequency of your Soul’s Music”. Hian! Okay now. Just too much controversy everywhere!

All these uncertainty have pushed a crop of youths across the globe to begin a campaign called #LeaveMyHandAlone Campaign. You can register for the campaign Tuesdays and Thursdays Live at Manuwa Bustop (I dey Joke o abeg).

As expected, some other sets of youths, particularly females have risen up to oppose the other campaign with their own #GetYourselfAGirlfriend” Movement. Nawa, O boy, things are happening. Men dey! The hand is surely mightier than the Sword.