How to Become an Opposition Party in Nigeria - (By Bura-Bari Nwilo)

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eing a keen follower of the many dramas that don’t stop coming from Nigeria, I think I have some very important pieces of advice for the Peoples Democratic Party which, beginning from 29 May 2015, would assume duty as an opposition party in Nigeria; the world’s most populous black nation and Africa’s fastest growing economy. * inserts applause.

This would be uneasy.  There is the fact that the PDP is experienced in being in power, in calling the shots and paying media houses to appear greater, but lacks gravely in the tactics needed to make a ruling party tremble at the mention of the term opposition. In a more identifiable description, the PDP is an ajebo. It is a learner – a novice in mudslinging as an opposition party.  

In a democratic setting, it could be an easy job but definitely not as easy as mowing the lawn of your lover who has invited you over with such a voice of a mischievous child tucking at his mother’s wrapper for food. The government that would be out of office in May has been generous enough to allow for certain important laws such as the FOI and of course, free press and speech. If these laws are not reviewed, then it would be a cool ride.

There is nothing as amazing as saying all the bullshit in the world and walking away with it, without being arrested or mimed but called insensitive while the ruling class would consider the accusations. Quite amazing! If things go left threaten the ruling class with thunder and brimstone. Make friends with Sahara Reporters. They are the genius. They don’t see anything good with a ruling class or Nigeria. If the size of nkwobi increased, they would analyse it and tell you how un-Afrocentric the action was. All your press releases, indicting photos and so on must be channelled through SR.

We are in a different Nigeria. This Nigeria thrives on social media. There may be no job but all the Twitter handles you see flying around the internet are offices. It rakes in money for the users and these users are not loyal to conscience but the paper. Yes, that’s another street language you must learn. ‘Money’ as a term stopped being used after Christ took a bus to Jordan for baptism. And the more paper and the generosity of whoever that is in charge, would guarantee a successful army.

No critic loves a smooth sail. Trust me, people are ready to yab and shout again. Heroes must emerge. See, the likes of Omojuwa became MADE through shouting. His side of the game has won. Another fellow wants to feel the pulse of a Twitter celebrity too.

The activists on Twitter are bored from victory. Yes, that shit bores. They want some challenge – bad grammar, wrong dressing, bad decisions, awful makeup, scandals etc. You must feed this hungry folks to stay relevant as an opposition.

On Twitter, we are not used to praise-singing. Our lives were not designed that way. It is like walking into a brothel and awaiting your customer to take your bag, take off your clothes and tell you that dinner is ready at the dinning. It doesn’t work that way.

To be truthful, being an opposition could be stressful. All things are stressful in Nigeria. You’d have to spend sleepless nights hunting for items that can make the news. The job of the opposition party is that which must be taken up with divine dedication. You would need someone that is influential in the church to shout with you. Nigerians worship their pastors. When one of them screams with you, it would go viral. You could start by telling them that the newly introduced BVN in banks is demonic, a sign of end time and that if the government of the day doesn’t ban it then it is a compromise. And then you can release a press statement or stage a walk. Design clothes and those of us on Twitter would create hashtags.  

As an opposition, it would be wrong to commend the ruling party for anything. No. It is wrong. No one does that. You may call an opposition in another country to confirm. But again, be careful not to use their strategies. Always create a Nigerian variant.

If it is dry season and the ruling party gathered all the pastors in Nigeria to pray for rainfall, it must be mocked. You must use very ridiculous languages and taunt the ruling class and call all efforts for development bullshit.

It is very necessary that the spokesperson of the opposition party become someone who is fluent but with a leaking mouth. That’s an amazing trait. Ask a veteran, Lai Mohammed, he has all the experiences. In few months, I am sure he would publish a memoir. Such books must be treasured by any wannabe opposition. No knowledge is a waste. You must treasure everything.

Thank you,

Bura-Bari Nwilo is the author of Diary of a Stupid Boyfriend. He tweets with @BurabariNwilo